


The Surge

by QueenPotatos



Category: Free!
Genre: M/M, Mention of hospital, This is REALLY not for everyone, This is not for everyone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-29
Updated: 2014-07-29
Packaged: 2018-02-10 20:48:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2039577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenPotatos/pseuds/QueenPotatos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They say it's the rolling swell of the sea, especially after the passage of a large wave. </p><p>They had no idea it could have a lot of other very different meanings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Surge

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING. I didn't want to put any warnings but considering how angsty it is I just can't. I dunno if you know me, as a writter, if you've read my other stuff. I don't find them angsty at all. It's the first time I actually felt like crying while writing a story. I don't want to spoil the end but there is some serious angst going on.
> 
> Written for freeiwa_daily. Today's theme : waves
> 
> 28/08/14 : I've Edited it but I still need to read it again to fix minor mistakes. But not tonight. One time is enough

**The Surge**

.

.

 

 

It's the middle of December. The sun isn't even up yet but here they are, him and Makoto, standing on the shore. Haru hesitates but he had already taken his shoes off. He can't go back, not this time.

 

The sand is cold. It's harsh and hard on his soles but he keeps walking. Makoto watches him as the sun timidly appears in the horizon. The Ocean is infinite to their eyes. The waves come and go, endlessly, and they will do until no one is left on this planet, until the earth turns into sand.

 

Haru stands at the very limit of the beach. He stops where he can see the sand getting darker where the Ocean reaches till there. But it's the same all over again, eahc time he comes here the nightmare never ceases to end; and Haru can't find the strength to go any further. His body refuses to obey. It's been a year and it's still too painful to go into the water. Haru stands on his feet, unmoving, and stays still maybe for a whole hour. Makoto only comes to him when people starts to look at them with worries in their eyes - because most of the locals know what had happened in the past, and most of them care about these two.

 

"Haru, I'm going to be late if I don't go now. Let me drive you home."

 

He doesn't answer. He needs to touch the water again. He's going to make it, he just needs more time. He needs...

 

He needs Rin to be there with him and to hold his hand. He needs him to swim in the Ocean with him, flesh and bones and healthy, just like they used to.

 

It's been a year and the pain hasn't lessen one bit. It still hurts like hell when Haru wakes up in an empty bed.

 

"Haru...you'll try another day, not now. Please, Haru, come back-."

 

"No!"

 

Makoto tries to grab his arm but Haru jerks it away. In the confusion he trips, his foot glued in the wet sand and he almost falls, almost touches the water; and then the memories rush like train in full speed and it hits him again - he almost disappears the same way Rin did, taken away by the waves, never to wake up again.

 

It's been a year since Haru hasn't swim. It's been a year since he hasn't felt anything. It's been a year since Rin has gone because of the waves.

 

 

 

 

"Can you drop me there?" Haru asks when he finds his breath again.

 

Makoto doesn't look pleased; it's not on his way, he'll have to make a detour but eventually Haru knows he will drive him to that place. Because Makoto knows he needs this, that it's the only thing he has left. And as expected, Makoto does - he nods, softly.

 

"Okay, but don't stay too long. Gou told me they were going to spend the afternoon there as well."

 

He knows he is unwanted there, and after all everything is his fault so he understands them; he doesn't even blame them, only him should be. He should have drown with him, he should have follow him because even if he is the one breathing properly Haru doesn't feel alive, he feels like a dead weight and it has been going that way for a whole year now.

 

He wishes he had talked to Rin instead of hoping that he would be the one to make the first move.

 

He wishes he could go back in time. He wishes there was a way for him to repair what's been done.

 

 

 

*****

 

 

They used to jog a lot, on mornings.

 

Rin would spend the night at his place and they would run along the beach. It had become quickly their daily routine. One night they had been too tired to pull down the futon, so they had shared his bed. Since that night Rin had never slept on the floor ever again.

 

This particular morning, Haru remembers it clearly, Rin was hugging him from behind being the big spoon he was, and his breath was tickling the back of his neck. He had looked at his clock; they were late for their jog. The funny thing was that Haru knew Rin was awake as well. He had learned him, he knew his body like the back of his hand and as the rhythm of his breathing was very different from when he was sleeping, Haru was a hundred per cent sure that Rin was just pretending to be still fast asleep. Rin hugged him closer, tighter against his chest and from what Haru felt on the round of his ass at this moment he knew Rin didn't really want to run this morning.

 

It was great, really; because Haru didn't want to run either today. And the day before that, and a lot and lot of mornings before as well.

 

He turned around. "Hey," he murmurs softly. Rin still pretended he was sleeping so he brushed his cheeks with his thumbs gently, as if he was afraid to wake him up - which was ridiculous, because he knew Rin was pretending. "I know you're awake." he whispered in his ears.

 

Rin's arm was still curled behind him, and somehow it had found a place much lower on the small of his back. When he opened his eyes Haru couldn't believe how dark they looked. Their faces were so close. He should have kissed him then. Maybe if he had, things would have never happened the way they did.

 

Rin blushed furiously and literally jumped out of the bed. "We're late!" he said, and then shouted as he made his way in the house. Haru only rolled on the bed, and smiled. People had to be blind not to see where all of this was going, ineluctably.

 

They basically lived together. They slept together, ate together, watched TV together. They even did the groceries together - well, Haru ate fish and Rin meat, and each one of them had the bad tendency of forgetting the other one's favorite meal just to annoy him. They hugged while they slept and even sometimes, they woke up with their fingers entwined. It was no secret; they loved each other, they were already _together_. They just hadn't found the time to properly say it yet.

 

He should have kissed him that morning.

 

Instead they had jogged, along the beach, like any other wasted morning when they could have done more. Rin had dared him, challenged him, that he could swim in the Ocean at this time of the year. It was the middle of December. He never had the chance to challenge him again - the waves took him away, and now Rin sleeps peacefully without him, and he hopes someone is holding his hand now that Haru can't do it himself.

 

 

******

 

 

Makoto drops him in front of the white building. He doesn't have time to say hello today, he is late for Uni. Haru has stopped coming to class since Rin had drown. It's fine, he thinks, he's felt totally useless since that day anyway; so sitting on a chair and listening to some crap speeches which won't ever interested him in the slightest in the end was out of the question. It's as if a part of Haru was still emerged in the water, and had never come back. His mind and body are disfunctional, sometimes. Sometimes he feels asleep in his small garden while feeding the cats, his door completely opened. Sometimes he takes a bath where the water is way too hot and, even if his skin burns in the tub, he doesn't go out, and the burning blister stay on his body for weeks without him caring. Sometimes he can't even cook for his life, he ate raw mackerel one day and got sick; since that time Makoto brings him something to eat at least twice a week, and make sure his fridge is properly filled.

 

Haru directly goes to the 3rd floor. As his feet tread upon the white lineum some of the nurses recognize him from their desk. They welcome him with a kind smile and one of the white dressed women takes him to the other side of the corridor - but Haru doesn't need her leading him; he knows the path by heart, he had taken it so many times since...

 

It's been a year, and now this room where Rin sleeps on the ICU feels like a second home. His own pillow is hidden in one of the cupboard, along with some clothes and a toothbrush. Rin's mother doesn't want to see him here; she probably still makes him responsible for what had happened - and, he can't blame her, he won't but still she can't forbid him to see Rin, she has no right to do that. Because, it's _Rin_ , it's the person Haru loved and still loves the most and it's already hard enough to live without him hearing the sound of his voice, without admiring his breathtaking smile, without knowing that he is alive and happy and enjoying his life -it's just too hard, too painful; Haru still thinks sometimes that all of this is a nightmare where he had fallen in Hell, and where he is receiving the cruelest punishment of all.

 

"You're there early, Haruka-kun."

 

The nurse he sees almost every time he visits is there today as well. She enters the room with her aid and a new IV for Rin. Her smile is kind. He likes her, a lot, because when she talks about Rin it feels like he is still there with them somehow.

 

"Look how gorgeous he is today," he says cheerfully as she punches lightly on her patient's shoulder. "He even smiled when we washed him this morning."

 

And indeed he looks better, better than any other days Haru can remember. His washed hair falls on his forehead like they used to. The white blouse he is wearing hides the scar on his throat and makes him look not that pale. He breathes alone now, and his heart still beats regularly; he is still alive so why wouldn't he wake up?

 

"Do you want to help with the dressing?" The nurse asks, when she saw how much turment Haru looks again.

 

Due to being immobile Rin's skin under his heels got damaged. But thanks to daily care, and Haru's constant attention Rin is recovering in no time. As they removed the previous dressing with dreadful attention, both of them are relieved to see that the skin under is just a little bit red today.

 

"I'm going to call the intern, but I think we can let it in the open air. It's almost healed."

 

"Ah." Haru smiles, it's a good news; and good news are rare nowadays.

 

"Do you want to comb his hair?"

 

Haru nods, and with her help they make Rin sit straight on the medical bed. It's their new daily routine. They used to jog; now Haru takes care of him as much as he can with the nurses. It's barely enough to keep him alive, but he can't ask for more; it could be worse. Rin could not be there at all.

 

Once he is finished with the hair Haru takes out his pillow and lays with Rin on the bed. He moves him, so that his joins won't get hurt, so that Rin won't be uncomfortable if he wakes up. This time, he is the one doing the big spoon - he smiles sadly, remembering what they used to be, and wonders if there would be a time when it will stop hurting.

 

"You know," the nurse says before leaving them alone, "He really looks happier when you're there." She stops half way through closing the door. "It's a shame they don't want you to stay..."

 

"It's okay." he murmurs. He doesn't want to bother Rin with that. Doctors told him that even if he was asleep, Rin could still hear them talking. Haru doubts it's true, but just in case, the words he speaks are only full of love and happiness.

 

He hugs Rin closer, tighter to his chest. "Goodnight, Rin." He whispers. He holds his hand and then, he falls asleep just like that.

 

The nurse wakes him up just before Rin's family comes in. He doesn't have time to hide his pillow. He leaves him like a thief in the night, the shape of his body still printed on the mattress next to Rin, the ghost of their fingers entwined still lingering on his skin.

 

 

*******

 

 

Six months after the incident, Rin's family had decided that it was enough. They couldn't stand the sight of their son, brother or grandson, barely kept alive thanks to three different machines, the sight of the tube that allowed him to breathe but which was cutting is throat in half. So even if his heart was still beating, by common consent with the medical team, they had decided to turn off the respirator. Everybody was of course welcomed to say goodbye, and an hour had been decided.

 

It was a warm day of June, a couple of days before Haru's birthday. He was standing in front of the pool. Gou had called him; it was for today, precisely two hours at the most. Just two more hours and Rin would disappear from the world. Haru didn't know why or how he had ended up here. No, in fact he knew why; the pool had always been his refuge, his hiding place, where he always found the serenity and calmness he needed. Until that cold December morning, the pool had always been an archaic reflex he had each time he was feeling vulnerable.

 

But everything had changed. He wasn't the same person, and Haru sometimes doubted that he even _was_ someone anymore. His legs had walked on their own and here he was, in his jammers standing in front of the pool, alone, when he shouldn't be there. All his friends were waiting for him at Makotot's place and he was hiding again. Rin needed him. He couldn't go if Haru wasn't there, could he? Without the one who mattered the most to him, without the one he had loved the most...

 

If only he could just jump in. If only he could forget everything and get dazed into the water like he used to.

 

Couldn't they understand how hard it was for him? He didn't want to say goodbye. He had never agreed with that common consent, and yet they all said that _He_ was the one Rin loved the most, but he wasn't family, they didn't even officially live together, or were together, no one had told the other they loved each other and everybody agreed on this. But love meant nothing. When it should have mattered the most people tried to ignore him, to shut him down; they have excluded him from the all the important medical decisions conserning Rin. And when Haru thought nothing could hurt him more than watching Rin drowned, not being able to save him and then, watching the reanimator shocked him countless time before his heart restarted at last, they had all prouved him wrong by taking the liberty to choice to end Rin's life without even asking him how he felt about it. He had never felt more poweless than now...what was next then? Would they forbid him the right to come and see him as he pleased?

 

But it wasn't even that. They were killing Rin. They were letting him go and Haru wouldn't have any other chance to see him, ever again.

 

His legs collapsed on themselves. Haru almost fell in the pool but Makoto was there, miraculously. He helped him stand but it was too late. Haru's breathing came out in short cus and soon, he was panting heavily. He was scared that they'd take him away; so scared that it would kill him in the process. It was getting harder and harder for him to breathe freely, and Haru wondered at that moment if it was what Rin felt when he'd drowned. He lost conciousness with that image craved in his mind.

 

 

 

Minutes later - Haru didn't recall how Makoto put him in the car - they were at the ER. A young intern told him he had made a panic attack when he had asked what had happened, and that he needed to stay calm and to relax as much as possible. She gave him some medication. She said it would make him sleep a little, but Haru didn't have time for that. He put the pills on his bed and checked on his phone.

 

The time was over; it was twenty minutes over and once again it became impossible to breath properly.

 

"What happened!?" He asked, terrified. How could he have slept for so long? Makoto was still holding his hand, sitting on the chair next to his bed.

 

"They had to sedate you a bit when you first came in. You didn't want to settle down, or to let the doctors examine you. You even almost punched me." He explained calmly. "They have to use something with a needle and you've slept almost an hour."

 

Haru eyes widened and looked for some clues on Makoto's face, of what happened to Rin.

 

"He is still alive," he said, but his voice his broken when he spoke. "But they say he doesn't have much time. They turned off the respiratory machine twenty minutes ago. Gou said she would text me if something-"

 

But Haru never waited for Makoto to finish. He stood up and managed to escape from the intern's grip. He even passed Makoto without any problem and was almost out in the corridor when Makoto shouted at him.

 

"Haru!" He called him. "You can't go there!"

 

But he needed to! Before it's too late! Haru turned around, looking for some stairs and evelators to get to the third floor in a hurry. Rin needed him and he was late and he would never forgive himself if he missed-

 

"Where do you think you're going, Haruka-kun?"

 

The voice was a feminine one. When Haru turned around a middle aged woman, dressed in black from head to toes, her chestnut hair arranged with a strict bun, looked at him with severe and reddened eyes.

 

Rin's mother's hands and lips were shaking; Haru thought it was from sadness. It never occured to him that it could be from rage.

 

"You're twenty minutes late." He said coldly.

 

"Is he okay?"

 

"Where were you Haruka-kun?"

 

"Is he still alive?" He spoke, louder this time.

 

"I have asked you a question!"

 

Her voice was loud enough to make every noise in the corridor of the ER stopped, except from the ones coming from the machines. Everybody was looking at them. Why would she make a scene right there when Rin was still up there? Could it mean that...Oh no...

 

"Don't tell me it's too late." Haru whimpered, his voice cracking, "Don't tell me he is-"

 

"You have no right to ask for him! You weren't there!" She yelled, and her fist slammed on the wall nearby. "Every time he had needed you, you weren't there. Where were you twenty minutes ago? Where were you when he drowned!? You could have saved him, you could have reanimated him, and yet you didn't! And now you didn't even have the guts to say goodbye!"

 

Her laments echoed in the long, white corridors of the ER. The silence that followed was stern and icy-cold, leaving no place for hope.

 

Haru fell on his knees.

 

So it was all over.

 

Rin was already dead.

 

He had taken his last breath; surrounding by all his beloved, all of them but him. Life left Haru's eyes the moment he learned about Rin's death, everything became dark around him; it's almost as if he missed Rin's grandmother coming over to protect him and stop Rin's mother from going nearer.

 

"You know it's not his fault," the old one said. "You know they have all perished by the Ocean, and will all perished that way. It's the curse on the Matsuoka family-"

 

"Do you really expect me to accept that bullshit!?" The mother roared, and even the old woman seemed stunned by how enraged the mother of her grandson was. "Rin didn't drown because of a curse; he drowned because he was head over heels with that boy. This has nothing to do with his father, or his grandfather, no; Rin wasn't on duty, he was just too stupidly in love with him to notice he was putting his life in danger!"

 

"And you know what is the most unbearable for me? For his own mother?" she said then, her voice loud and heavy with tears as she looked back at Haru, still lifelessly knelt on the floor. "Rin is my own flesh. He is one of the two precious gifts Torachi left me aftr he died. I have raised him, I have watched him grow and build himself. I have loved him more than anyone in the world, for I am his mother. And still, still, he chose you. In the end every single decision he took in his life was related to you. And I couldn't even hate you for that because you made him so happy. I had never seen my son so happy than when he was with you. So even if it meant that I wouldn't see him that often, as a mother I let him go, I let him go with you and I thought, really, from the bottom of my heart that it was the best decision I have ever made.

 

"I have entrusted my child to you, Haruka-kun, and look at him now. Look at you. You weren't even there to say goodbye. Every day..." she stops in the middle of her speech, the tears coming from he eyes forcing her to; she sniffed and wiped them away briefly. "Every day you were there with us and I could literally see him smile, every time you entered the room; it's something we had never been able to do, none of us but you did that miracle. And yet, when he was about to say goodbye for the very last time, you weren't there. And I just thought of how miserable and lonely he must feel without you, and about how I would have given anything for my son to go with a smile on his face. You didn't even give him that chance. I will never forgive you for that, Haruka. I have entrusted my child to you and you have let him down."

 

Haru lifted his head and tried to met her gaze - but she was already leaving the corridor, leaving the place because why would she stay here if her son was dead, after all? Haru felt too shaken to think of a reply anyway. Even if he could, he doubted he would find something for his defense.

 

"He is still breathing, but I'm sure that he is just waiting for you to properly go." She told him when his ears were still at reach "So, no it's not too late, but you don't deserve my son's love, you really don't. You can say goodbye to him, and then, you will go, and never come back to us again."

 

He felt like someone had knock him out with a hammer blow. Rin was still breathing? Rin was still alive?

 

All the things she had said, were they all true? Had he really been so unworthy, since the very beginning? Had Rin always been too much of a gift for him?

 

He had been there. He had tried to save him. But the waves took him away. The waves killed him, and he couldn't have done anything to prevent it.

 

"I've tried," he cried on Makoto's shoulder. "I've tried so hard but I couldn't find him."

 

"I know," he says, as he dragged Haru to the third floor were Rin was being hospitalized. "I know you did your best. But she is a mother, she loves him more than her own self. I guess it's hard for her to acknowledge that she isn't the last person he wanted to see before going - and to realize that this very person isn't there for her son made her feel furious, probably."

 

When they arrived the first thing that struck them was the absence of the tube coming from his throat. Rin had been washed and clothed; he was wearing his favorite vest and even had his necklace on. Sousuke was holding Gou; she was still crying on her shoulder. Haru avoided her gaze, he knew she might hate him as well. The machine linked to his chest still worked. They could all see his heart race, and the regularity of his breathing showing on the screen.

 

"It's a miracle," the doctor said when he came back. "A real miracle. Now we just have to wait till he wakes up. I can't tell you when it'll occur. He might even never happen at all. But you have to keep hoping. It will help him if he is surrounded by positive energy."

 

Rin's hand felt warm when Haru held it. He was afraid he was going to stop living as soon as he touched him but Rin kept on, days and days after that, even if they still had no clue of when he would wake up.

 

 

 

********

 

 

 

It's been one year, three months and five days. Makoto can't help but count in his mind. Life had been drastically different since that incident. Not only it had been hard for him to loose a friend, but ever since Rin has been hospitalized Haru's self had started to disappear. Little by little, the friend he had known all his life fades away. It feels to him as if he had lost both of them that day, it feels as if Haru had drowned with Rin and never intended to resurface without him.

 

Makoto is worried. Really worried. Haru had let himself go so much that he doesn't even eat properly. He had lost so much weight; all his muscle had melt away overnight, his face is even more paler than usual and the bags under his eyes...he has probably absolutely no idea of how terrible he looks - and he certainly doesn't care, just like anything else now nothing makes him care.

 

He thinks about it a lot, even when he is outside, hanging out the washing. There is a cool breeze, and the sun is bright, up in the sky. He thinks about it so much than he misses Sousuke's calls. He only sees them hours later, when worried about Haru again he checks if his childhood friend doesn't need anything.

 

Nine missed calls.

 

Fifteen unread messages.

 

_'Rin is waking up. You should come.'_

 

_'Bring Haru.'_

 

_'He asks for him.'_

 

He doesn't even have time to cry. Makoto runs to Haru's house without taking his stuff. It's only when they're at the car than he realizes, his hands shaking, looking inside his pockets that he had forgot the keys.

 

When he turns around to go back to the house, Haru is crying silently. The tears are flowing on his cheeks and it's almost as if he can see the birth of a smile, on the corner of his lips. His eyes have never felt so alive. Makoto had never felt happier in more than a year.

 

When they arrive, they see everybody waiting in the corridor in front of Rin's room. Everyone is crying tears of joy, have their hands stuck on the glass of the window separating them from Rin. Sousuke sees them coming and then, everybody turns their head, and the fuzz of happiness instantaneously stops as their eyes fall on Haru.

 

Nagisa and Rei smile. Sousuke looks more severe; Rin's mother is with him right now, and considering he had asked for Haru all day, it's pretty clear in his mind that she won't be pleased to see him. Sousuke disappears inside Rin's room and when he comes back it's only to be follwed by Gou and her mother.

 

Her eyes are red again, just like this day when they have turned the machine off. But this time it's not anger that's making her lips trembled.

 

"Haruka-kun." she says, her face illuminated by that smile Rin undoubtedly got from her. "It's seems that you're late again."

 

His legs are on fire. Haru just has one thought in mind; to run towards the room, to run toward Rin and to hug him and never let him go until the end of his life.

 

"Can I go in?" he asks, his voice unsure.

 

She simply nods; her voice too weak for her to talk.

 

 

 

When he walks in, Rin still looks like he is asleep and Haru's heart stops for a second, fearing the worse. But this breathing...it's his regular breathing, the one he'd had that morning when he was pretended to be asleep. Rin is not sleeping, not anymore. Rin is alive, Rin is awake; and when he finally opens his eyes he grins tiredly, and pats the side of the bed where Haru usually sleeps when he comes here. His eyelids are half closed, he looks pretty exhausted for someone who had slept that much and Haru just laughs, thinking about how few senses his thoughts make. Rin looks like a mess with his hair uncombed but Rin is Rin and he is alive and he is smiling; and now he is safe, warm and breathing and safe in Haru's arm and he will never let him go again, never, Haru vows it to himself. He can't stop the tears coming from his eyes. He doesn't know how much time he spends in his arms, desperately clinging on Rin as if he was going to disappear the moment he'll let go of him.

 

"Hey, hey, hey." Rin whispered. His voice his low and husky, probably because he hasn't used it in a while. "I didn't wake up to see you crying."

 

"Shut up."

 

"Yeah yeah, I love you too, Haru."

 

And Haru breaks into tears as Rin says those words that had been so hard to tell, years before. He wonders if he had heard him, all the things he had said; he wonders if he had felt every time he had spent here, laying against him, sharing his warmth with him. He wonders if he had missed him as mush as Haru did.

 

Eventually, everyone joins them in. The room is filled with laughs and joy, full of energy and smiles. It's miles away from what it was even yesterday. But Rin is tired, and he needs to be left alone. Haru is still in his arms when everybody is waiting outside the room.

 

"Can I have one request?" Rin asks when he feels Haru leaving his arms.

 

The doctor turns around slowly. She looks tired, it's almost 8 PM and she still has other patients to see.

 

"Can he sleep with me tonight?"

 

The ask is directly directed to his mom. She comes into the room and looks at Haru, the boy she entrusted her son to now that she no longer regrets it. She smiles.

 

"Of course you can. Anything you want my dear. We'll talk tomorrow, you need to rest tonight. Rest, you hear me? Don't do anything...you know."

 

Rin rolls his eyes and holds on Haru a little bit closer to him. At that moment they couldn't have been happier; life was getting back to normal at long last. Haru hides his smile and blush on the crook on Rin's neck, as he motions his mom to come to the bed with them.

 

"Thank you mom." he says quietly as he hugs her and kisses her cheek. "Thank you, for everything. I love you."

 

She sniffs. "I love you too."

 

Rin rolls his eyes again when he sees her mom crying - she had probably never stopped since he has been awake considering how swollen and red her eyes are.

 

 

 

"See where the cry baby comes from," he tells Haru as soon as they are alone together.

 

"Ah."

 

They are finally just the two of them and still Haru doesn't know what to say. He had dreamed about this moment, he dreams about it every night and still, there are no words that escape his lips. There are so many things he had wanted to say, back when they lived together - the thoughts he never dared to voice aloud, the love he never had the courage to confess - and now of all moments his mouth is stilled, his voice hides on the bottom of his stomach and his lips won't find the strength to move, to form those words of love he wants Rin to hear so badly. So Haru uses them in another way, and kisses him instead.

 

Rin's lips are dry but responding, he doesn't seem that weak when he kisses him like that. Haru feels like going numb, he can't even feel his own legs so much he had yearned for this. It feels...it's like nothing Haru had dreamed of. It's sweet and prefect, full of love with not that much rush, it's the achievement and reward for all those times spent at Rin's side, caring for him and patiently waiting; and Haru feels like he could have wait even longer, a few more years maybe to have the chance to kiss Rin like that.

 

They break the kiss rather quickly. It seems Rin wants to talk.

 

"God," he scowls, but his eyes are shining with mischief, "To think I almost died just to get a single kiss from you."

 

Haru kisses him again before he can be more of an ass than he already is. He has barely awaken and yet Rin is back at his old self, full of life and joy; his smile shines like the sun and it's warmth enough to make Haru feel alive again.

 

"I missed you so much," Haru breathes into his mouth. "You have no idea of how much I missed you."

 

"I know. I missed you too."

 

Haru wants to hit him on the top of his head. "You were sleeping, idiot."

 

"But I felt it when you weren't there near me, when you weren't holding my hand. I felt lonely too." Rin says, caressing Haru's black hair from his forehead. "I thought I would never see you again."

 

Haru feels the tears rushing back with something else than pure joy growing in his chest. "I was so stupid," he whispers hastly, "So stupid please forgive me-"

 

"Shh shh it's not your fault." Rin runs his hands clumsily on Haru's back to sooth him a little bit. "I made the bet, I'm the one who jumped into the damn Ocean, it's not-"

 

"If I had kissed you that day you wouldn't have challenged me at all."

 

"Shut up. You're right, you're a complete idiot. For fucks sake...stop with your 'what ifs'. It won't make anything better. I don't resent you for that. I don't resent you for anything, so don't make yourself responsible and hate yourself for that."

 

"But I loved you. I have loved you for so long." Haru's grip tightens on Rin's blouse. "I feel so stupid; I thought we'll be together forever and I never told you."

 

"Hey," Rin takes his chin with his hand. "We'll talk about it later. I'm tired. I just want to sleep in your arms tonight. And I want you to hold my hand. Please, Haru."

 

Haru nods quietly and that's what they do. With all the emotions that had caused Rin's revival, Haru feels like he had gone through a storm and this he falls asleep rather quickly. He is the only one.

 

 

 

When he is absolutely sure that he is the only one still awake, Rin calls the nurse. He isn't blind, he had heard the doctor talking before his family rushed in.

 

He doesn't remember having seen her before but it's not a surprise, after all Rin had slept for a long time. "Please," he says, "can you close the blinds? And get me rid of...this." He shows her the wires attached to his chest, wires that connect with the machine where his heart race can be seen.

 

The nurse does as he told her, and when she is almost finished, Rin adds "and, also, please do not wake him up."

 

The nurse nods, and closes the door.

 

 

 

*********

 

 

 

She had been working in the ICU for five years now. It's a very hard place to work, to be honest, it's where most of the tragedies likes to happen. It's been five years, and yesterday had been the happiest day of the nurse's working life - the handsome redhead had woken up at last, after more than a year. It had been a real miracle, and even the young intern taking care of his case couldn't believe it either.

 

"We have to be careful though," the intern had said, "his CRP is still high and his heartbeat is a bit fast. I'll run some test to be sure everything is okay. Plan a CT Scan with injection of Iodine on tomorrow morning."

 

The exam was planned when she left her post; it was 2 PM. She hadn't seen the boyfriend yet, but she sure will have another opportunity to see the black haired man happy, at last. Those two, they were so sweet, so tender; Haruka was so much in love; it had broken every body's heart, to see him suffering like that.

 

 

Her morning shift starts at 6 AM. She enters the room for the changeover and is confused by how everybody looks alarmingly sad. There is a red cross on Matsuoka's name. Did they plan his transfer already? Has he recovered that much while she was away?

 

"No," an unknown man's voice says, "He died during the night."

 

The nurse watches her long time colleagues with their eyes glued on the ground and she suddenly understands why the atmosphere was so gloomy when she had walked in. Her throat feels dry, her eyes are stinging but she gathers her strength and manages not to cry, not yet. It's been five years and she has seen, witnessed with her eyes all the misery and all the ugliness of this world and still, the news of Matsuoka's death is one of those news she won't be able to forget. It doesn't help that the intern on duty that night isn't part of the ICU team. He doesn't know them, doesn't know Rin or Haruka, he doesn't know anything about their story or about all they have been through. And the young, exhausted man sounds so detached, indifferent, and neutral about it that it makes her wants to slap him hard on the face in front of everybody - and considering everyone is sending him dark eyes, maybe she should.

 

But he doesn't know. They can't blame him.

 

"What happened?" She asked, voicing the demands of all the morning team.

 

The intern on duty tells them then, with medical and complicated terms what had caused 'the patient' to die in the middle of the night. The night team add how they had found him, cold and with no heartbeat, when the nursed aid had checked his medical constants. They also tell them about the boy still asleep in his dead boyfriend's arms, and that they have been told not to wake him up. It had been Rin's last words so, nobody had dared to go against his wish.

 

 

 

 

The nurse waits for the intern of the ICU to come back to break down on her shoulder. The two women stand together behind the window, the blinds are open and they can see them both. Haruka is still asleep. Their fingers are entwined. Rin's arm is curled on the small of Haruka's back.

 

"He looks so pale." The nurse says, her voice shaking; and she sniffs, and dries her eyes with the end of her white uniform.

 

"He looks dead." The intern says harshly, but her words are strangled by her sobs too. "Rin _is_ dead."

 

And then, they both hold their hands together, to give them strength, to find the courage to go through the day and to figure out how they are going to announce that to all of Rin's relatives now. All of them thought he had done the hardest part. All of them thought he would be fine from now. There is no words on this planet, no words they could find that would fit. There just have the ugly truth of Rin's cold body embracing Haruka's warm one.

 

Haruka...poor boy...how is he going to cope with all this?

 

In the ICU, some days are tougher than others.

 

"They call it a 'surge'. It's a small moment of respite; the patient feels better for a short amound of time and then, it goes down even worse than before." The intern says, as she watches the nurse wipping away her tears. "I'm sure...I'm sure he just woke up to properly say goodbye."

 

"Or to say the things he had never had the guts to say before," the nurse adds.

 

They watch them through the glass of the window separating the room from the cold corridor, for long minutes before they get back to work. The tears run silently on their cheeks. Somehow, they manage to smile when they think about how their fingers are linked, or about the true smile on Haruka's angelic face. It's good to see him happy, even if it will only last a second before he sees the terrible truth.

 

"You know what's funny?" The nurse says, still crying and smiling at the same time. "It's incredible. He had asked for Haruka to sleep with him tonight. As if he knew it was the end; and he had acted consequencely."

 

"He had told them all that he loved them." The intern goes on; the nurse had forgotten that she had been there all day yesterday, to see him act the way he did. "He had hugged his mother and he had told her 'Thank you' and 'I love you'. There is no denying it, he cannot not have be aware of his condition. The boss always tells me that the body itself is better than any sophisticated machines or tests we can run. Rin knew before us that his life was the end. And in the short amound of time he had, he planned every single second of it."

 

They both look blanky at Haruka's short hair, moving slightly and they hold their breath for a second, thinking it might be the time to wake him up and to tell him that Rin was dead. They couldn't wait a long longer; they have the family to call after all. But no one here in the unit, none of the ones who had known and met Haruka, had the ounce of will to wake him up.

 

The intern eventually walks away, work calling her in another room with living patient. "But don't you find it extroardinary romantic? He chose to die in his arms."

 

They don't know what the boy is dreaming about. They hope it's only filled with Rin, and his smile, and his long hair blowing in the air, and of the both of them being happy together, forever and ever after.

 

 

 

 

 

There aren't that far from the truth. Haru dreams of the beach. He dreams of Rin waiting for him on the sand, his feet hidden under countless grains and his body facing the Ocean, on a warm summer day. The beach is empty; they have the whole place just for themselves and there is no wind, no sound but the one of the waves, and the waves come and go on the beach, endlessly, until there is no one left in the world.

 

 

Rin kisses him. Rin is alive and safe in his arms.

 

 

Nothing else matters.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you if you read to the end.  
> Thank you Shonda for the inspiration.
> 
> If you want to send me anon hate (or anon love!) it's here > http://doctor-queenie.tumblr.com/


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